Thanks for writing with so much compassion! I have started feeling nostalgic. No, you are no more an outsider. Only someone very close to us can describe Bihar the way you have done. Indians (are supposed to) believe in an old philosophy of "Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam" - "The whole world is a family". You are one among us. I will be looking forward to read more from you. I believe those who criticize, are also the ones who love you. Feel free to write about all aspects of Bihar.

Unfortunately, sometimes when one shows his/her love to another group of people, (s)he is accused of appeasement by his/her own group while the other group doubts his/her intentions. But, such hesitation is short-lived and ultimately, love wins over by bridging the two groups. It reminds me of the incident which once happened with Sardar Patel (The first Home Minister of India). After a communal riot in Delhi, he went to meet the victims in a rehabilitation camp. He had an image of a hardliner, against one community. There, one angry victim spat on his face. The bodyguards tried to arrest that man, but were stopped by Patel. He said, "At least one of my brother has spat his anger out". To spit one's anger out- is a phrase in Hindi which means to calm down, towards reconciliation.

But, you belong to both groups. You are 'bahu' and 'bhabhi' of us Biharis.

Sorry, I have this habit of preaching to others.

I am still eagerly waiting for Dr Ignatius and Mr Iqbal to post an article. - Kumod Jha - Jan. 24, 2006

That was a great article. Carolyn enjoyed the company of adoring relatives, heard the excited chatter of children walking with their parents, saw the roses, appreciated the warmth people showed her, admired the jewelry and clothes, drank juice from street vendors, played with the kids and was touched by their warmth and affection. I feel that Carolyn has not written about her not so good experiences. But then that is how we must live our lives. While we do what we can to make things better, there should always be a smile on our lips and appreciation for the good things God gives us. Life is too short to indulge in the luxury of despair and dismay. We must acknowledge the bad part and do everything we can to overcome it but dwelling in it is not healthy.

While there are people of Bihari origin on PD who do not seem aware of anything good inside Bihar. A lady of foreign origin comes here, collects so much happiness and goes back with the promise to come back again. As has been so rightly said "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder." People who want to be happy will see the good part and be happy. People who want to be disgusted will see the sad part and stay disgusted.

Each society has it's plus and minus points. What Indians lack in wealth and resources is compensated by their being a close-knit, affectionate society. People make adjustments, compromises and sacrifices to make others happy. The feelings we live with have little to do with material possessions and far more to do with happiness generated from within. That happiness only comes when you make others happy.

India is developing at a faster rate now. People say we will end up being like the societies of industrialized countries. I hope, while good things come in, this affectionate, caring, friendly part of our culture is not lost in the rat race to be more wealthy. - Raj - Jan. 24, 2006

This is a fabulous article Carolyn!

Kumod ji, Bhauji ek dum neeke baat kahat baari.

Wishing you the very best. - Satya Jan. 24, 2006

The article by Carolyn is very aptly titled. It is a 'Different Perspective'. It is the perspective of a tourist who, due to her being married to a person of Bihari extraction, was psychologically determined to find the bright spots during her brief stay in Bihar.

I have Caucasian relatives who have visited Bihar. I have watched with amusement how people treat Caucasian relatives. People in the family make extra accommodations, put their best foot forward, and anything or anyone who is 'exotic' or unfamiliar, gets treated with cautious deference.

There is also a mentality (maybe instinct) to worship fair skin. It led to the 'gulami' of the "Kala kutta" (ref. Mangal Pandey - The Rising) and even today, in the back of the mind, most Indians have that same mindset. The perspective of many Biharis / Indians is summarized in the comment of the guy pulling the fan in "Mangal Pandey - The Rising" and the inspector discussing the movie "Blue Lagoon" in the movie "Shool".

Look at the idols of Durga, Saraswati, Lakshmi, or for that matter any Hindu goddess. Do any of them have the complexion of the average Indian woman? Why ? I know some will slam me for this observation, but in the back of their minds people know what I am saying. I am sure a black lady in Carolyn's place would have seen Bihar / India differently. I do not think one Bihari has, to date, married a black lady and taken her to Bihar to 'meet the family'. The mali (gardener) would not have smiled as wide. Also, all the fawning comments to the article are testament to my contention.

I appreciate Carolyn's article, who like the Author, Kevin Rushby (The Children of Kali), chooses to highlight whatever good things she saw. There are a lot of good things - mostly hidden and unseen under the ugly imbroglio of the chaos of Bihar and go unseen to eyes of people who, unlike Carolyn, are not vested in Bihar / India. -Aarcee - Jan. 24, 2006

Carolyn is quite correct in capturing the warmth of extra-ordinary feeling of the ordinary people of Bihar that has common thread as in any fabric of society anywhere in the world. People of Bihar are humble and homely like any other people elsewhere.

I left Patna over 40 years and have been living in London but it is the gravity of the place and the people that I have visiting the place every year – and perhaps do the same to the rest of my active life, even though I am over 70 and the Patna is becoming increasingly unattractive. - M Nauman Khan, West Wimbledon, London - Jan. 24, 2006

Carolyn, a very wonderful, touching article. I know Bihar because I was born there. Though I live now in America, but still Bihar is in my blood. No matter I comment negatively about Bihar, still I have hope about my Bihar. I never have forgotten or forsaken my home state. I invite you to visit Bihar and visit my parents' house. They are not typical parents and they will adore having you as a guest in our home. In Bihar, every guest is considered a boon for that house. We think God (Allah) has sent that guest to our home, so it is blessing, no matter the social standing of that person. Might be you will not find the comforts you are used to, but you will feel the warmth of their love and heart. They will do everything in their capacity to make you feel you are in your home and within your own family. I am not just making words. You must have that feeling with your previous visit and it will only strengthen with your next visit. Bihar has a very bad reputation about its law and order and I am not denying, but same time Biharis are the most generous and loving people you will ever have in your life. I agree with Mr. Anil, there is so much love around us. Once I arrive at my parents' house, all of my community members will come to meet me, "Hey! I heard Anwar came so I came to see him". This makes me feel like crying, how much people love me. When I go outside, all the young boys and small kids will cry, "Anwar Bhaiya, how are you?" and ask so many questions. Elders will ask, "How is America and what are you doing? Sit with us, also, give us some time. You do not live here, visit only once a year, so we also deserve sometime." I feel spellbound due to their love and affection. When I visit someone's house, they feel special. "Anwar, you came from America and came to visit my house. It shows your true love," and many more things.

Kumodji has already mentioned that, Carolyn, you are no more an outsider. Once you are married to a Bihari you are Bihari bahu. When a woman is married to a man, she becomes native to her husband's land, am I right, Kumodji. I never feel angry when someone writes opposite comments. I like to hear other points of view. It gives me an idea how others feel, and sometimes gets me thinking about whether I need to rethink things, or maybe try to look at them differently. I will also urge Dr Ignatius and Mr. Iqbal to write their article. - S. M. Khurshid Anwar, New York, USA - Jan. 25, 2006

That is an interesting observation. Indian Goddesses are depicted to be fair skinned but then we have plenty of very fair women among our midst. North India has a fair sprinkling of the fair skin from Kashmir to Madhya Pradesh. Even the Southern states have many fair skinned ladies. Hema Malini, Sridevi, Jayapradha, Tamil Nadu CM are the very visible examples. There are many. A very large population of Indian women have fair skins. So we did not import our Goddesses. The only one who came from a foreign land of today was perhaps Sitaji. Sitaji was from a place which is today in Nepal. But then, at that time Nepal was not a separate country. I do not think we had Caucasians in mind when we depicted our Goddesses with fair skins. When we can have fair skinned wives, why must we insist on Indian Gods having dark complexioned wives? They are Gods after all and they can even create women of their liking. Perhaps, if the concept of one God is true, they created the Caucasians too.

As for Carolyn being a Caucasian, it is at best an assumption. American does not necessarily mean white. It means brown and black too. She could very well be a black lady or an Indian Christian. We do not know. However, be she white, brown or black, her positive outlook in life has to be appreciated. I am sure she must have come across many not so attractive things during her visit. She has made a mention of completing her 12 hour journey in 22 hours. If that happens to us, most of us would, in all likelihood, lambaste Lalooji and his railways. Had she done the same we would have agreed too. However, she has chosen to concentrate on the good things she saw. The different perspective was a good perspective and that was appreciated. The author has thrown an interesting question at the readers - Are you calling the lady bahu and bhabhi and welcoming her to your father's home with the assumption she must be a Caucasian? What if she is brown or black? Would you treat her differently? Has the goodness in her words made you praise her or the assumption that she has white skin? The readers who were so effusive in praise have to answer that honestly. - Raj - Jan. 25, 2006

Mr Aarcee has raised some points, which I dare to comment upon. I am a great admirer of him. He calls a spade a spade. He was absolutely right in what he said. But, as Carolyn mentioned, "Every situation is not about being right as much as it is about doing right". So evident!

My observation is that it is not exactly the colour of skin, but the social status, that makes the difference in the way one is often treated (which is as unfortunate).

With that said, I add a few more lines. As long as we love people of dark skin (or lower in social status) as well, there is nothing wrong in welcoming people of fair skin (or higher in social status). However, respect does not last long irrespective of one's virtues. Some of us might have seen Caucasian beggars of Macluskeyganj, Palamu (Jharkhand).

As we noticed, Mr Aarcee himself, appreciated Carolyn for her way of writing.

When we call someone 'Bhabhi' or 'Bahu', her social background does not matter to us any more. I remember, some time back, an Italian writer in his attempt to 'explore the social problems in Bihar' (Raghopur incident over a buffalo) landed up to this forum. He was welcomed with a stern caution. He never turned up again. But, Carolyn has a right to explore Bihar and Biharis. We have no option but to trust her. - Kumod Jha - Jan. 25, 2006

Dear Carolyn, First of all let me congratulate you on writing a article about Bihar and your feeling about Bihar.

Now while I completely agree and believe 100% in what you said I went and checked the consular information information sheet about India. Following is the link to that document. The point to note that this is one of the most authentic and research oriented document .

http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/cis/cis_1139.html

I have read each and every word of this document and I can tell you that I was delighted to find just one occurrence of Bihar and that too along with Andhra Pradesh, Orissa, Chhattisgarh and West Bengal. There is no mention of any emergency or crisis like situation in Bihar.

While there is no dispute that crime is high in Bihar it is equally true that it is hyped out of proportion and also out of context.

And also I can tell you all the crime today is a temporary phenomena and created mainly in last 15-20 years. And with slight economic improvement we are going to see dramatic improvement in crime rate.

During my school days (early 80's) I use to live a place not very far from Bodh Gaya. I use to see many female tourists from China, Tibet, Japan, USA all the time with no fear and I am sure soon same thing is going to happen. It is not my optimism it is a reality. Believe me nobody wants to commit crime or very few people want to do crime.

The hopeless economic situation created by last government with poor vision and poor far-sight has created all this criminal and thugs by killing all the industry growth and potential. Their socialist and communist type agenda has destroyed Bihar. When they are gone now their goons will be gone soon and nobody can stop progress and peace in Bihar. - Manoj Gupta - Jan. 25, 2006

As is very obvious, I welcomed the author's participation in the PD forum. I also expressed my appreciation of her efforts to assimilate into a culture that is very alien to most people in the western world - thanks to the western media that has till recently portrayed India as a country of snake charmers, thugs, wizards and devil-worshipping pagans.

The only swipe I took at was at the mentality to be servile and fawning. My statement "... the fawning comments to the article are testament to my contention" was carefully worded so that the abstruse nature of my lexicon would go uncomprehended by the individuals who, I thought, were fawning and servile in their welcome and appreciation. At the same time I wanted my message to get out to the more enlightened segment of PD readers.

This mentality is not characteristically Indian but pervasive all over the middle east. When an American company sends a technical team with an Indian PhD and a High school drop-out technician who is Caucasian, the Arabs prefer to deal with the technician and take his word as gospel.

I have noticed the way service improves at an Indian restaurant if there is a Caucasian in a group. People who have traveled on Air India can attest to this phenomenon as well. It is this mentality I took a swipe at.

I like Carolyn's article but could sense an undercurrent of this "Kala Kutta" mentality in the profuse friendliness she described. - Aarcee - Jan. 25, 2006

This one goes to Mr Aarcee. Have you not seen Goddess Kali being worshipped in Bihar? There is nothing like worshiping the fairer skin in India. We assume the colors we ourselves are. - Niraj Jha - Jan. 26, 2006

Aarcee, I understand where you are coming from. People who don't respect their own kind are the worst losers and the society that this mentality creates is always third world. At the same time it is good that people are nice to one another. Carolyn thanks for your kind words, hopefully, one-day people of all color can attest to your experience.- Som Vishwakarma, USA - Jan. 26, 2006

I have till date not come across an Indian Goddess who was blond, brunette or a red head. The Indian Goddesses look and dress like Indian women. Just like beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, ugliness and servility too lie in the eyes of the beholder. If I have biases, I will see the world in that color. If we think deep down that the Caucasians consider us as "Kala Kutta" or "Black Dogs" we will think that every frowning Caucasian is frowning at me and thinking "Where has this "Kala Kutta" come from?" The truth may be that the Caucasian may be frowning because of the bright sun light. The victim mentality makes us consider ourselves inferior and thus interpret every word and action of others in the same light. If some Indian says namaskar or thank you to a Caucasian he is fawning. Then should we be rude towards white skinned people to project that the British Raj is over and India is an emerging power? What if an Indian says namaskar or thank you to a black person? Is the Indian being sarcastic? Is he taunting the black person? Let us not be so critical and judgmental.

As per my observation people like what they do not have. While black and brown people are marrying Caucasians, the reverse logic is also equally true. No one is a "Kala Kutta" in the relationship. The kids are also not born striped like a zebra. It is all about how we look at the world. If we think we are the worst, no one can stop us. Similarly, if we think we are the best, no one can stop us. But, yes, the change in outlook will sure change how we see the world - our country men and others. We see hospitalities towards a Caucasian as servility because we are convinced about us being inferior and Caucasians being superior and we are expecting servility. We see the world through our biases and see what we expect / want to see. It is something like hypnosis where the magician convinces us that we will see something and we feel we actually saw it. In the instant case it is like self hypnosis. - Raj - Jan. 26, 2006

Thanks a lot Carolyn, It is very hard to see any outsider to talk about Bihar in such a manner that you got bounded with the article. This article proves that Bihar is not like that others think. I think whoever will read this article and if he thinks that, 'ya Bihar is actually what a place of corruption, lawlessness ' will start thinking that what he was thinking about Bihar was wrong. - Vikash C. Dubey - Jan. 27, 2006

I am grateful for my life, and that includes the color of my skin and my origin. No one should feel ashamed of the color bestowed upon them by God. We should not have to feel inferior due to our color. We should not condone misbehavior toward anyone. Whatever has happened in India in the past is just that ---PAST. How we came under the power of the British is in history books and stories passed on to us by our elders. I personally do not believe that a strong India full of strong Indian leaders would have fallen under such control. I am confident that the majority of the tourists who come to India come to admire both our landscape and our long, rich history. I do not think they are here to extort kindness simply because they feel superior. Bihar is a wonderful place and Biharis are the most noble people except for Politicians and Ministers. - S. M. Khurshid Anwar, New York, USA - Jan. 27, 2006

One of the most wonderfully written articles I have read in a long time - as they say in Hindi - ekdum dil se (straight from the heart). Thanks a lot for penning it.

It brought back memories of my own childhood in the seventies when my Maami, a French Canadian from a small town in Nova Scotia would come to Patna every alternate summer for two month vacation and we children - innumerable cousins - would have a gala time.

As Kumodji says, married to a Bihari, you are not an outsider but a bahu / bhabhi / chachi / mami to us

Just wish we kept the kala - gora debate out of this thread. - Thakur Vikas Sinha, Mumbai - Jan. 28, 2006

Discussion on this topic is now closed.